1. WHAT IS THE FEAR OF ABANDONMENT ?
The fear of abandonment is the fear of being rejected or abandoned. This feeling is a chronic and anticipatory dread of being left or neglected. When you suffer from a fear of abandonment, you feel unloved or unaccepted.
This sensation creates a sense of insecurity, with the idea that at any moment, all the people you care about will leave or betray you. You feel powerless against this.
The fear of abandonment is part of emotional immaturity. Normally, we talk about abandonment in relation to children because they need their parents. However, for adults, it is slightly different, as they are supposed to be autonomous, and we usually refer to breakups for them.
2. WHAT DOES THE FEELING OF ABANDONMENT ENTAIL ?
The feeling of abandonment is particularly unpleasant to experience daily, both for those who suffer from it and for their surroundings.
When you experience it, you often have very little self-confidence and seek love outside of yourself. You feel that you do not deserve to be loved because you do not see what can be appreciated in you. This search for recognition and love can be directed at all your relationships: romantic, friendly, or familial.
This results in excessive behaviors leading to self-sabotage in your relationships. Indeed, you are so afraid of being rejected and so convinced that you will be, that you do everything to make it happen (conflicts, rejection, etc.). Thus, it is difficult to imagine and have concrete plans with someone.
As a result, you have short relationships and very few social connections. This loneliness makes you sad and creates a vicious circle in the face of this feeling of abandonment.
3. HOW DOES THE FEELING OF ABANDONMENT MANIFEST ?
There is no set timeline for the emergence of abandonment anxiety. Indeed, it can arise at any moment in your life, with or without apparent reason. Following a trauma or an event in your life, you may see this fear appear even though it never manifested before.
When you fear abandonment, you experience painful romantic or friendly breakups, whether it’s your choice or the other person’s. If it comes from the other person, it reinforces your belief that you cannot be loved. Conversely, if you decide to end the relationship, it is because the other person disappointed you and did not meet your expectations. According to you, the loved one does not love you enough because it is impossible to love you.
As you experience breakups and rejections, you become constantly afraid of being rejected again and again. This fear is constant, never leaving you, regardless of the nature of the relationship. Each relationship you have is meant to compensate for a lack in your life.
Finally, you have high expectations of others. Since you have been disappointed and abandoned in the past, you become increasingly demanding of others, which can make it difficult for your surroundings.
4. WHAT IS THE ORIGIN OF THE FEAR OF ABANDONMENT ?
The fear of abandonment often originates from childhood traumas. While certain events may seem trivial to some, each person’s interpretation of their life events can have consequences. Therefore, when you are a parent, it is important to explain everything to your child, even if you feel they do not understand. It is crucial to tell them what will generate the different phases of their life.
Abandonment anxiety generally originates in childhood as it is difficult, when young, to manage this anxiety. It creates a feeling of insecurity regarding the affection and importance given to us.
It is often said that many feelings are formed in the first three years of life. During this period, parents may alternate between absence and presence, giving the child the impression that they could lose their parents at any moment. However, without it being formal or conscious, certain life events can hurt the child if they are not explained (such as going to daycare).
If, from the first hours of life, a child is separated from their mother at birth for medical reasons, they may experience a real feeling of abandonment or rejection in relation to what they need most at birth (like all mammals): their mother, who enables them to live.
Other more obvious traumas may be involved in the fear of abandonment, such as abuse, emotional deprivation, violence, bereavement, separation, emotional and physical neglect, or real abandonment. These wounds may have been minimized or unnoticed by the surroundings.
The feeling of abandonment can be transmitted from generation to generation. If your mother suffered from a fear of abandonment, it is possible she created a very close relationship with you when you were a child, making every event related to separation particularly difficult for her and you.
5. WHAT ARE THE CONSEQUENCES OF THE FEAR OF ABANDONMENT ON OUR LIFE ?
The feeling of abandonment is difficult to live with daily, both for you and your surroundings. It affects relationships (romantic, friendly, or familial) as you need constant proof of love. This quest for affection is almost addictive for you, making it sometimes difficult for your loved ones to bear.
A sense of injustice may arise in you. You feel you give a lot to others and invest yourself, only to be rejected in the end.
Your high expectations of others and your significant need for recognition can lead to hypersensitivity or even depression. Once in a vicious cycle, it becomes difficult for you to create new social bonds or maintain them.
You experience feelings of loneliness, withdrawal, and isolation. This, combined with increased irritability and aggression towards others and yourself, leads to growing anxiety. Everything becomes a source of anxiety, especially relationships with others.
For children, the feeling of abandonment can be recognized through physical sensations. They may have great difficulty leaving their parents, even just to go to school. This manifests through crying, screaming, and nightmares during the week.
6. HOW DOES THE FEELING OF ABANDONMENT MANIFEST ?
Everyone is different and reacts uniquely to the fear they may experience.
Initially, the anxiety of abandonment is so significant that it leads to high anxiety. You may experience panic attacks, feel anxious in certain situations, and be more easily stressed.
Additionally, you have many doubts, about everything. These doubts are particularly significant in social situations. You need approval, and your surroundings help you make choices, reassure you, and ensure you are making the right decisions. These doubts are generally accompanied by anxiety-provoking thoughts. You often imagine catastrophic scenarios of what could happen in a situation, especially regarding your relationships (betrayal, abandonment, breakup, etc.). You lack self-confidence and are too harsh on yourself. You feel so insignificant that you believe you do not deserve the other person, fearing they might leave you for someone better or realize you are not good enough for them.
You seek particularly close relationships, where the loved one and you share everything, do many activities together, and never part. This person is your resource person on whom everything rests. You see this person as a savior who can pull you out of this difficulty. It is not uncommon for the fear of abandonment to be accompanied by emotional dependence, which can be harmful to you.
Some comorbidities may accompany the fear of abandonment, including addiction and eating disorders (bulimia, anorexia, etc.). In both cases, there is an idea of filling a void. Addiction also allows for numbing the pain or sorrow.
Finally, abandonment anxiety can be accompanied by physical, chronic, or non-chronic conditions, such as asthma, eczema, spasmophilia, diarrhea, etc.
7. HOW IS THE FEELING OF ABANDONMENT EXPERIENCED IN A ROMANTIC RELATIONSHIP ?
Living a serene romantic relationship when you have abandonment anxiety is complicated. You seek the ideal partner, the one who does not make mistakes, who will never disappoint you. This person acts as a savior, pulling you out of the vicious cycle of disappointment and breakup. But this is impossible. At the slightest mistake, you will be disappointed and fall back into this cycle until the breakup occurs.
The romantic relationship is not balanced. Despite the love the other person may have for you, you always see yourself as a victim from which the loved one will save you. This makes the relationship non-reciprocal.
Furthermore, you seek proof of your partner’s love, regularly testing them, consciously or not, to see and know when they will disappoint you. It is important for you to have control over everything that happens or can happen. When you can no longer have this control, you feel powerless and misunderstood by those around you.
Since this scares you, you experience a paradoxical situation: you need the other person, but you do not dare to let go in your relationship. You keep your distance, remaining withdrawn and solitary. This makes it more difficult for you to create strong and authentic bonds with the person you love. Despite this, it is hard for you to separate from the person, even if you feel unhappy in your relationship.
It is so difficult for you to trust, you are so afraid that abandonment or breakup will happen, you become increasingly controlling and demanding, constantly testing your partner. You are particularly jealous, thinking they might find someone better and leave you. This results in many conflicts in the relationship. You are not always aware of your responsibility in the quarrels. Nonetheless, this causes exactly what you fear the most: breakup and abandonment.
Finally, you experience great suffering : a heavy feeling of emptiness and sadness. This manifests as significant anxiety, panic, or frustration.
8. THE FEELING OF ABANDONMENT IN FRIENDSHIPS
The suffering and experience of the feeling of abandonment in friendships are similar to those in romantic relationships. The friendship is tinged with jealousy. You demand a lot of attention from your friends without necessarily daring to ask for it, and you feel bad when your friend pays particular attention to another friend.
Similarly to your partner, you are suspicious of your friends, doubting their sincerity and intentions towards you. You fear they may disappoint you. You seek perfection in others and demand from them an idealized friendship. However, this is impossible. The slightest mistake from your friends, in your eyes, will make you break up with them, feeling betrayed. This loss of trust is often definitive.
You also fear losing your friends for fear of being alone, so you invest a lot of energy and attention in them. This involves constantly seeking proof of their love and affection.
You see yourself as a victim in relationships, seeking a friend to save you, give you love, recognition, and affection. If you are too possessive with your friends, the relationship becomes non-reciprocal.
9. EMOTIONAL DEPENDENCY AND FEAR OF ABANDONMENT
A person with abandonment anxiety often exhibits emotional dependency. Emotional dependency is the excessive need for another person, typically a partner. This person becomes a loving presence that prevents you from feeling anxious, but from whom it is difficult to separate and upon whom you depend.
If you are emotionally dependent, you no longer live for yourself; instead, you live through the other person. This is why you continually seek the other’s approval. You are willing to do whatever pleases them, even to the point of accepting a lot from them, including mistreatment, because you have an emotional void. You feel as though you cannot live without this person, and you fear being abandoned at the slightest ripple you may cause.
You experience intense discomfort within yourself, physical pain, significant anxiety, and a constant fear of loss. This leads to a great relational imbalance that causes you suffering. Moreover, some unintentional individuals may take advantage of this, increasing the risk of encountering a narcissistic manipulator.
10. HOW TO OVERCOME THE FEAR OF ABANDONMENT ?
If You Are Particularly Anxious and Experience Panic Attacks, Here Are Some Tips to Manage This Anxiety
Get to Know Yourself
Engage in activities alone. Motivate yourself to spend time with yourself without fear. You could join a regular activity where you meet people (sports, crafts…) or do an activity at home that reconnects you with yourself.
Take Time to React During Conflicts
11. HOW TO OVERCOME THE FEAR OF ABANDONMENT ?
It is possible to overcome the fear of abandonment. The first step is to acknowledge this fear for better management.
Therapy is crucial in this process as it helps you gain awareness by putting into words what hurts you and understanding your past. Through therapy, you can work on your self-beliefs and erroneous thoughts about your self-image.
Therapy also focuses on self-esteem and self-confidence. To feel accepted and loved by others, you must first be able to love yourself. Often, because you believe you are unlovable, you unintentionally or intentionally provoke breakups. Therapy can help you break this vicious cycle and learn to be kind to yourself.
Additionally, it’s important to learn to live autonomously and not overestimate the need for others in your life. Give yourself time to heal; don’t rush or pressure yourself too much. Engage in activities alone, whether they are manual, sports-related, or simply spending time with yourself.
Mindfulness relaxation, sophrology, or yoga can also be beneficial. These practices help you listen to yourself and your body, allowing you to enjoy spending time with yourself and appreciate who you are. Stop avoiding yourself. Make time for self-care activities (massage, manicure, painting, etc.). Choose enjoyable activities where you are the center of attention and aware of it. Savor each moment that brings you joy.